Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

   PalmOS Tools  


 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
        scream "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.
 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
	look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
 	you can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned it
 	on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
 	good half hour.
 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer
 	to different screen than the one it's set up with.
 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
 	highest volume possible over & over again.
 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
 	something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
 	Pentagon files.
 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
 	it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
 12. Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at >>
 	everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue typing.
 13. Enter the lab,undress, and start staring at other people as if
 	they're crazy while typing.
 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
 15. Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.  Keep asking until someone
 	agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
 	pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it

 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It
	helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.  Type by
 	hitting the keys with the straw.
 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
 	Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
 21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
 	to your monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then
 	complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
 22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
 	doesn't work, get the supervisor.
 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
 	smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
 	(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After doing
    	this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
 	next to grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
 	the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
 	and it is far more effective to let them linger.

 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
 	them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
 	desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove shoes and
 	place them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by layer and
 	drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku about the
 	aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your paper like
 	this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
 	working conditions.
 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
 	continue working.
 32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
 	the B key is F sharp, etc.).  Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
 	loudly. Write an entire pape this way.
 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
 	mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
 	the old ways are best.
 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
 	until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space
 	bar so your fill isn't affected).  Then look at your neighbor's
 	keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word.
 	While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head,
 	and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard.  Keep doing
 	this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
 	document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting
 	the space bar this whole time.  No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
 	Print out your document and leave.
 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab monitor and
 	complain that your computer ate your disk.  (For special effects, put
 	some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive.  Claim that the
 	computer is drooling.)
 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
 	burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep laughing,
 	grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
 42. Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while making
 	elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two.  Press return or the
 	mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"  peek up from under 
    	the table, walk back to the computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It worked 
    	this time," and calmly start to type again.
 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
 44. See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk to them
 	like you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta
 	chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
 45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
 	Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
 46. Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that the
 	lead doesn't work.
 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
 	flowers in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then
    	laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen.
    	Repeat this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
 	keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant,
    	and walk out.
 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
 	calmly sit down and begin to type.
 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
 	rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say,
 	"Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the
 	next week".
 50. Two words:  Tesla Coil.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved. / Terms of Service

The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer.
I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone.
Well, except my own company, but that's gone now.