Fiction L
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since 1994

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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: Thomas Savundra (cs932007 at red)
From: Philip Hebbes (phebbes at
Subject: Avoid Foul Language!


Enrich your diction with these tips

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughtout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

None of less we do realize the critical importance of idividuals being able to properly experss their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

     OLD PHRASE                                 PREFERED NEW PHRASE
  No fucking way!                            I'm certain that's not feasible.
  You've got to be shitting me.              Really?
  Tell someone who gives a fuck.             Perhaps you should check with...
  Ask me if I give a fuck.                   Of course I'm concerned.
  It's not my fucking problem.               I wasn't involved with that 
  What the fuck?                             Interesting.             
  Fuck it, it won't work.                    I'm not sure I can implement this.
  Why the fuck didn't you tell me that       I'll try to schedule that.
  When the fuck do you expect me to do       Perhaps I can work late.
  Who the fuck cares?                        Are you sure this is a problem?
  He's get his head up his ass.              He's not familiar with the 
  Eat shit!                                  You don't say.
  Eat shit and die.                          Excuse me?
  Eat shit and die motherfucker.             Excuse me Sir?
  What the fuck do they want from my life?   They weren't happy with it?
  Kiss my ass.                               So you'd like my help with it?
  Fuck it, I'm on salary.                    I don't think you understand.
  Shove it up your ass.                      I love a "challenge".
  Who the hell died and made you the boss?   You want me to take care of 
  Blow me.                                   I see.
  Blow yourself.                             Do you see?
  Another fucking meeting?                   Yes, we really should discuss this.
  I really don't give a shit.                I don't think it will be a 
  He's a fucking prick.                      He's somewhat insensitive.
  She's a ball-breaking bitch.               She's an aggfressive go-getter.
  You don't know what the fuck you're doing. I think you could use more  
  This place is all fucked up.               We're a little disorganized.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved. / Terms of Service

The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer.
I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone.
Well, except my own company, but that's gone now.