Twinkies
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch
and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the
Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --
avoided this potential source of substance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained
its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes
10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the
oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie
leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling
bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon
application of a butter knife.
Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The
expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible
damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise,
the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,
the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties
had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate
consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of
not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had
generously absorbed the freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,
the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning
rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie
floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils
ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial
coloring.
After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a
very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that
surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous
texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of
its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped
spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately,
efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,
under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of
debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize
the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any
definite conclusions can be drawn.
The following person is a
Twinkie.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.