- Holly :)

EMPLOYER TALK

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION

You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY

You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY

We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no change in hell we'll be the next Mircosoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN

Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY

We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY

We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER

We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED

Management won't answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS

After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS

After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE

. . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT

We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT

Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT

Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT

We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED

If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K

We'll offer you $22K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION

You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED

Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON

If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD

you whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY

We loooooove brown nosers.

APPLICANT SPEAK

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS

I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION

I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE

I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK

I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED

I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL

I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS

You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE

I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO

I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING

I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS

I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION

Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON

Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.