FEATURING A PC PRIMER AND REVISED PC LEXICON
By Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
All Rights Reserved
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."
--Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
Berkeley CA, 1965
What is P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a diversity of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Why should I be PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.
I am a white male. Can I still be PC?
Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny are white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty.
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world: slavery, war, genocide and plaid sport coats. That means that you are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
You mean I should guard against offending anyone?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious Utopia, like in John Lennon's Imagine.
How else can I be PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega--whoops--separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k d lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR!" They hate that. And don't ever eat meat.
Don't eat meat? Why not?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
So all killing is bad?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
How do I know when an animal has rights?
The general rule is as follows: If an animal is rare, pretty, big, cute, furry, huggable, or lovable, then it has rights. Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles
Wow. What else can I do to be PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, always question authority!
But wait, I thought--
Don't worry, that's not important.
Well, I'm not too sure about this.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. You Are Right. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right.
How do I know if an action is un-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes: The liberal is right.
No: The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
What should I do if I see someone do something non-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90's, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
But isn't that censorship?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
I've heard a lot about PC words to replace "Black," "Indian," etc.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?
You mean they should rather be judged by the content of their character?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
I'm a mixture of French, German, English, and Russian. Can I get one?
No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some.
Hey, wouldn't a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be an African-American?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean black African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African US immigrant is not an African-American either.
How can I learn to make my language more politically correct?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
I'd like my child to be PC. What can I do?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
I don't get it.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
I guess that sounds right.
It is right. That's the beauty of PC.
What else do I have to be careful of?
Humor. PC people take every comment very seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur.
Give me an example.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC--It can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality.
Is that all there is to it?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognize the term "race" as valid) Black African-American (Note: does not include Libyans, Egyptians, white Africans. Does include people with dark skin regardless of where they are from or where they live.) Oriental Asian-American (Note: not considered "real" minorities since they tend to do well.) Indian Native American Indigenous Peoples of the North American continent (Note: the following teams are not PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins. Avoid these cities!) Chicano Hispanic (Note: the following are not PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man, the Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales.) White Trash PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) Insensitive Cultural Oppressor GENDER Woman Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl Pre-Womyn Housewife Domestic Engineer Fireman Fire Fighter Stewardess Flight Attendant Meter Maid Parking Enforcement Officer Postman Postperson Mailman Personperson Policeman (cop, pig) Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy California Clubber Prostitute Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim, see Broken Home) Mankind, human, person Earth Children PEOPLE (subgroups) Handicapped Differently Abled Handicapable (Blind: optically darker; Deaf: visually oriented) Poor Economically Unprepared Bum Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter Animal Assasin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman Flipper Whipper Whaler Blubber Lover Old Person Elderly Senior Citizens Time-extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict Chemically Challenged Bald Comb-free Vegetable Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual Sexually Nonpreferential Midget Dwarf Little People Vertically Challenged Insane Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorer Tree-hugger Environmental Activist Logger Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese Fat Differently Weighted People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged ACADEMIC Far East Asia Censorship Selective Speech BC BCE Older Students Non-traditional Students New-traditional Students Learning Disability Self-paced Cognitive Ability Cheating Academic Dishonesty Library Information Center Used book Recycled book Dorm Residence Hall Berkeley Mecca MISCELLANEOUS Broken Home Dysfunctional Family Mercy Killing Euthanasia Putting down Cattle Ranch Cattle Concentration Camp "Moo-shwitz" Ghetto Barrio Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger Seared, Mutilated Animal Flesh Cheeseburger Adding Insult to Injury Tree Oxygen Exchange Unit Gang Youth Group Pimpmobile Low-rider Culturally Responsive Transportation Drunk Trashed Wasted Spatially Perplexed Slum Economic Oppression Zone China Porcelain Delicatessen Corpse Farm
SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS
These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.
Do not use these words.(except when telling other people not to use them). If you hear anyone use these words, regardless of context, respond immediately:
"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie,Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Polock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard,Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Vegetable, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop"
Reading this list made your skin tingle with revulsion, didn't it? It better have.
The above are fulsome terms. PC doctrine states that all references to these words be deleted from extant printed material and conversation.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.