From: Dennis McClain-Furmanski (dynasor at infi.net)
Subject: [ABOI]: The Creation
[ABOI repost from alt.slack. Someone posted it there after finding it elsewhere on the Web]
The Book of Creation
Chapter 1
1
In the beginning God created Dates.
2
And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3
And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
was
Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
verily, he had a Big Job to do.
4
And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings
at
Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
5
And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had
not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth;
and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but
not
too deep.
6
And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
7
And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8
And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
that
was that.
9
And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the
Sea.
And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six;
and
natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests
yielding
anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources;
and he
made them Abundant.
10
And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the
dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules,
for instance.
11
And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
Wednesday.
12
And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I
can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or
fins
or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a
separate
species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
13
And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and
small,
with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and
claws,
vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.
14
But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve
Not.
15
And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth
was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what
it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
amongst
themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and
some
didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased.
16
And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every
tiny
creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and
cast he
them about likewise.
17
And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt
God
created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
18
And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
put
in another good day's work.
19
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which
is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And
God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and
every
speices, endangered or otherwise.
20
So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
21
And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which
is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you
ideas.
22
And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
given
also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be
for
you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth
well
with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
23
And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and
God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish.
With
a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years.
24
And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
yet, God
said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.
Chapter 2
1
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five days,
and
all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it not, in a
sling
shalt thou find thy hindermost quarters
2
Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the Sea
and the
scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the breath of
life
right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.
3
And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the man was
free to
play. And this was the Free Play of the Marketplace.
4
And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees: the Tree
of
Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of Happiness Tree, and the
Tree of
the Knowledge of Sex.
5
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my Law, which is
called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of Life,
Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for thyself a
fortune. For what fruit thou eatest not, that thou mayest sell, and with
the
seeds thereof expand thy operations.
6
But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest no
eat; nor
mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its operations;
for
that is a mighty waste of seed.
7
And the man was exceeding glad. But he asked the LORD God: Who then
shall
labor in this Marketplace? For I am no management, being tall and
well-formed
and pale of hue?
8
And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the
potential
which is Executive.
9
And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field
and
every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labor for him. And
they
labored for peanuts.
10
Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto the
LORD
God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the Marketplace of the LORD, and
have
cheap labor in plenty; but to whom shall I sell my surplus fruit and
realize a
fortune thereby?
11
And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.
12
And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took from him one
of
his ribs, which was an spare rib.
13
And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he
woman. And he brought her unto the man, saying:
14
This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall realize
a
fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth, wherefore she
shall be
called the consumer.
15
And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the
neck
even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.
Chapter 3
1
Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the
field
which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Why has thou
accepted
this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human, even as the man is
human?
2
And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath
ordained
that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he telleth me to
do; for
is he not the Man?
3
But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto
the
woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential?
For
art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his flesh?
4
And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God clad
us
decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that we eat of
the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?
5
But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into
her
very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believeth thou
me,
it feeleth good.
6
And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex,
that
it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her teeth
therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his teeth
therein.
7
And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were
not
naked.
8
And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise
loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man then
loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their garments
both,
and likewise of their minds.
9
And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did
rock
backward, and roll forward continually;
10
And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play
upon
a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon the ground in
an
hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was like unto four
voices: She
loveth you, yea, yea, yea.
11
And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the
man
and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit there
abominations.
12
And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the
herb
bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth them ideas,
even
as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit new abominations.
13
Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day,
with
his dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new abominations,
the
LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their hindermost quarters.
14
And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Wherefore art thou
naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work?
For
have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part of the
woman
to consume whatever he produceth?
15
And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle.
16
Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast thou
eaten
of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?
17
And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me do
it.
18
And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has
done? And
the woman said, The snake in the grass made me do it.
19
And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it.
20
And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an
permissive
beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon they belly, and be made
into
belts and boots and handbags hereafter.
21
Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in the
grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be thy lot
to be
confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by demons who
shall
tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be: such as an warrior, or
an
extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery.
22
And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee,
here
after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by
longings to
change thy raiment every spring and fall.
23
And above all this, since thou hast desired to tast of the fruit of
the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee.
From
generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot after thee as thou
passest; yea, and women also.
24
And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the
voice of
the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou wast
free to
choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the Marketplace and the Free Play
thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the Trees of Life and
Liberty
and the Pursuit of Happiness.
25
In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy
shall
be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big
Government; for thou has sinned.
26
And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex
shall be
as a curse upon thee and they generations; and thy loins shall be a trial
to
thee.
27
For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member
rise
up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among they fellows, likewise shall
it
rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the people to preach unto
them in
my name, shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an
unseemly
lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest into thy wife shall thy member
wither, and rise up not.
28
And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to
leave
them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife Eve,
saying,
Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: That someday, ye have
children
who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me.
dynasor at infi.net The Doctor is on.
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.