Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

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125 Things Never to Say During Sex

  1. Is it in?
  2. That's it?
  3. You've got to be kidding me.
  4. (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
  5. Do I have to pay for this?
  6. Do I have to call you tomorrow?
  7. Oh momma, momma!
  8. Oh dadda, dadda!
  9. You look better in the dark.
  10. This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
  11. I thought that goes in the other hole...
  12. Don't tell my husband/wife.
  13. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
  14. This sucks.
  15. Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
  16. I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
  17. I think you might get the job for this.
  18. Damn! Is that all you know how to do?
  19. Did I tell you I have herpes?
  20. Now we must get married.
  21. Hurry up, the game's about to start.
  22. I'm hungry.
  23. I'm thirsty.
  24. zzzzzzzzzzzz.
  25. Are you trying to be funny?
  26. Can I have a ride home after this?
  27. Are those real?
  28. By the way, I want to break up.
  29. Is that smell coming from you?
  30. Haven't you ever done this before?
  31. Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
  32. Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
  33. You're so much like your sister...
  34. Your mom's cute.
  35. What's your name again?
  36. Do I have to be here in the morning?
  37. A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
  38. But you just started!
  39. You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
  40. Don't touch that!
  41. Can we order a pizza?
  42. I think my dad is listening at the door.
  43. Smile for the camera, honey!
  44. Take off that damn monkey glove!
  45. Get your hand out of there!
  46. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
  47. I knew you wore a padded bra!
  48. Cover me boys, I'm going in!
  50. Fire one!
  51. God, that is small!
  52. Hold on, let me change the channel...
  53. Who smells like fish?
  54. Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
  55. Your best friend does it much better.
  56. Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
  57. Hurry up, the motor's running.
  58. You're fogging up the wind shield.
  59. Can I borrow 5 bucks?
  60. What the hell noise was that?!
  61. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
  62. Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
  63. You know, you're not really attractive.
  64. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
  65. What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
  66. Stop interrupting me!
  67. I have to take a shit.
  68. Did I leave the iron on?
  69. Your breath is funky.
  70. (start singing Green Day)
  71. Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going...
  72. Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
  73. God I wish you were a real woman.
  74. Why can't you ever shave your legs?
  75. By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
  76. Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit.
  77. Your breast milk is like my mom's...
  78. You're hairy!
  79. Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
  80. Is it OK if I never see you again?
  81. Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
  82. Don't make that face at me!
  83. All of a sudden I have a headache.
  84. You're boring.
  85. I like your tits.
  86. Suck my dick, bitch.
  87. How much do I owe you?
  88. How come we each have a penis?
  89. Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
  90. Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
  91. Just use your finger, its bigger.
  92. Does your family have to watch?
  93. We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
  94. Get off me, I'll do it myself!
  95. Can you hold this sandwhich for me?
  96. You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
  97. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
  98. My mom taught me this...
  99. How cute... Peach fuzz!
  100. Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
  101. Should I ask why you're bleeding?
  102. This is my pet rat, Larry...
  103. If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
  104. I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
  105. I was once a woman...
  106. Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
  107. No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
  108. Is it OK if I tell my friends about this?
  109. I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
  110. You wanted me to use a condom?
  111. You're no better than my brother!
  112. Mooooo!
  113. Fire in the hole!
  114. I wanna see how many quaters I can fit in there.
  115. Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
  116. OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?!
  117. You ever see Basic Instinct?
  118. I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
  119. Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
  120. Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
  121. You got boogies showing.
  122. (start reciting the 10 Commandments)
  123. I think I just shit on your bed.
  124. Of course I don't love you.
  125. Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.

Copyright (C) 2009 Brandon Long. All Rights Reserved. / Terms of Service

The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer:
The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer.
I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone.
Well, except my own company, but that's gone now.