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The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of
sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the
party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases,
strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with
anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees
to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and
fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure
to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of
said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
"psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda
Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or
Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following
terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty
(30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This
neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following
the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty
(60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member
may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual
acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances
are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and
chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the
party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party
"gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may
dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may
once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties
agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action"
without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3)
phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working
day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate
50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all
dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there
will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old
girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but
he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6)
weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at
least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first
forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress
to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week
together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their
respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will
attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the
morning, and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence
at the her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink,
and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees
to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a
family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats,
cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not
each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in
the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that
same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the
other party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in
at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
personal undergarments with all due haste through
impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for
a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance
included), and further consent to use one of the
following nebulous terms in the description of the
breakup: "The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/Him career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via
email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who
forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.